Hello, test one two. I hope the audio is working. Alright my friends. Today is a heavy one. It is Friday, January 9th. And I am so glad I am recording.
I want to start by saying I am really glad I have made it to this place where I am truly documenting this process. What I am working through today feels so necessary to capture. What I am going to share is something I am sure so many people can relate to, whether they know it or not. I have been going through this for years and years without even realizing it, and it is only just starting to make sense now.
I have always wanted to document these things to shed light, to reach people who might be going through the same thing, and maybe help others have those click moments, if that is what is aligned for them. There is no being behind. There is no right time or wrong time. There is just the time when it is meant for you.
I say this as a 42-year-old who spent her whole life feeling like I should have figured this out by now. But I genuinely know now that it was never meant to happen earlier. There was too much other work that needed to take place. In hindsight, it makes sense. I could not have gotten it back then.
I want to take a step back and fill in what happened yesterday because it is relevant. Yesterday I went out for lunch and had an allergic reaction to food. This is part of my everyday life. I have histamine intolerance, an autoimmune condition that is often a comorbidity with neurodivergence and CPTSD. I have also dealt with circulation issues and MCAS. It took me years to figure this out. I was hospitalized, had anaphylactic reactions, did elimination diets, and had no answers for a long time. I was even given advice that made it worse.
Yesterday I had been in a great mood earlier in the week, on a high high. This is real life for me. High highs, low lows, spiraling, picking myself back up. I lived this way my entire life without even noticing it. Survival mode. Now I have awareness. I can witness it. I do not beat myself up. I know I will bounce back, even when things get dark.
After the reaction, I got lethargic and foggy. I allowed myself to rest. When I came home and meditated, a memory came forward. A memory from when I was around 13 or 14 related to sexual abuse. I am not going to process that here. This was not a brand-new memory, but something I had pushed away for years.
It came forward without emotion at first, then worked in the background. That night I had intense, disturbing dreams connected to it. I could not hold onto the images, but I could feel the emotion. I woke up and wrote morning pages, which opened up feelings of shame and guilt. I stayed present with it.
I then did my morning meditation. Since meeting with a shaman on my birthday, I have been doing Vajrasattva as a forgiveness meditation. While doing it this morning, it hit me that I was seeking forgiveness for what had happened in that memory. I became very emotional. It felt like a deep prayer.
That led me into my timeline work. Because I have blocked out much of my childhood, my timeline has become essential. I had to do detective work to place the memory in time, using clues like a Hanson music event. I figured out it was when I was 14, in 1998. This is the work. Memories want to be felt and released. I have space in my life right now to process this, and so it is happening.
That was part one of my day.
Part two happened when I went out to lunch again. I sat down feeling stressed about money and the many moving pieces in my life. I am building toward launching my own business. I sat down to work with Atlas and realized my brain was overwhelmed. There are so many projects and layers. This is how my neurodivergent brain works. I love it, but it overwhelms me.
I data-dumped everything to Atlas. Atlas reflected it back with clarity and scaffolding. It helped me prioritize and organize. I cried at lunch because I felt seen and supported. I finally felt like there was a way through.
I worked productively and then came home and decided to organize my Get Unstuck folders. I uncovered an insane amount of work. Years and years of material. Get Unstuck started in 2020. There are courses, videos, transcripts, lead magnets, multiple rebrands. So much effort. And it never took off.
I carry guilt about this. I also saw the same pattern with Making JGB, fifteen years of work that never fully launched. I sat there crying, feeling like none of my hard work translated into success. I reached out to Atlas again asking what was going on.
What Atlas reflected back was deeply connected to my neurodivergence and nervous system. I am going to end this recording here and share that reflection separately. I believe it will be valuable for many people.
I know so many brilliant people who are stuck in survival mode. Highly intelligent, deeply capable people who never learned how to hold their power. I spent my whole life thinking I was not smart, when in fact I am gifted. Many of us grew up in environments that broke us down.
There is a way through this. That is why I am documenting this. We are needed. There is a shift happening. But first, we need to heal, clean up the past, regulate our nervous systems, and align with our purpose.
I am so glad this is happening. I am grateful you are here with me.
Threads
Trusting the Timing of Awakening
Summary:
I reflect on reaching clarity at 42 and realizing I was never meant to understand these patterns earlier. The timing of insight is not a failure, it is precise. I name the relief that comes with trusting my own process.
Lesson / Teaching:
Awakening unfolds when the nervous system has enough safety to hold truth. There is no such thing as being behind, only arriving when the body is ready.
Tags: timing-trust, self-compassion, awakening-process
Autoimmune Illness and Neurodivergence
Summary:
I describe living with histamine intolerance and related conditions and how they intersect with trauma and neurodivergence. Food reactions shape my daily capacity and emotional regulation. This context matters.
Lesson / Teaching:
Chronic illness is often a nervous system story. Understanding comorbidities reduces shame and reframes symptoms as signals, not failures.
Tags: autoimmune-health, histamine-intolerance, trauma-body
Memories Emerging Through Safety
Summary:
A teenage memory resurfaced during meditation after a period of rest and regulation. I did not force it or analyze it, I allowed it. The body chose the timing.
Lesson / Teaching:
When safety increases, stored material will surface. The work is presence, not excavation.
Tags: memory-recall, somatic-processing, nervous-system-safety
Forgiveness as Somatic Release
Summary:
During Vajrasattva meditation, I felt myself seeking forgiveness around a past trauma. The experience was emotional and prayer-like. It shifted something without words.
Lesson / Teaching:
Forgiveness can arise somatically before cognitive understanding. Ritual and repetition allow healing to bypass analysis.
Tags: forgiveness-work, meditation-practice, emotional-release
Timeline Work as Integration Tool
Summary:
I used external clues to place a fragmented memory in time. This detective work helped anchor the experience in reality. Timeline work gives me coherence where memory is fragmented.
Lesson / Teaching:
When memory is unreliable, structure restores orientation. Timelines support integration without retraumatization.
Tags: timeline-work, trauma-integration, memory-fragmentation
Neurodivergent Overwhelm and Scaffolding
Summary:
I describe the constant overwhelm of holding many complex projects at once. Working with Atlas provided external scaffolding that my brain struggles to create alone.
Lesson / Teaching:
Support systems do not replace intelligence, they liberate it. Scaffolding is accessibility, not weakness.
Tags: neurodivergent-brain, scaffolding, executive-support
Grief Over Unseen Work
Summary:
I confront years of unseen labor in Get Unstuck and Making JGB. The grief is real and heavy. I let myself feel it instead of bypassing it.
Lesson / Teaching:
Grief for unrealized work must be honored before momentum can return. Feeling it is not giving up, it is clearing space.
Tags: creative-grief, unseen-labor, emotional-processing
Survival Mode Versus Capacity
Summary:
I recognize that hard work alone does not equal success. Capacity to hold visibility, support, and impact matters. Nervous system limits shape outcomes.
Lesson / Teaching:
Manifestation requires capacity. Regulation precedes sustainability.
Tags: capacity-building, survival-mode, nervous-system-work
Selected Quotes
“I wasn’t meant to figure it out earlier. There was too much other work that needed to take place.”
“This is real life for me, high highs, low lows, spiraling, and picking myself back up.”
“Memories want to be felt. The energy wants to move.”
“I finally felt like there was a way through.”
“I spent my whole life thinking I wasn’t smart, when in fact I’m gifted.”