It’s Thursday, January 15th. I recorded yesterday in a state, and I’m so glad I’m doing this. What a difference a day makes. Yesterday I experienced such darkness, deep depression, freeze, overwhelm. I was carrying a lot, and given the situation I’m in, it makes sense.
In the past, I would have brooded. Feeling sorry for myself, angry, resentful, blaming others, asking why this was happening to me. I know that sounds dramatic, but I’m being honest. This time, I didn’t finger-point. I accepted what was passing through and understood where it came from. It hurt. It was uncomfortable. I felt it and sat in it.
My brain likes to tell me that discomfort will last forever, that there’s no point. I didn’t pep talk myself out of it. I just accepted that I felt depressed because of what had happened and because living in this body is hard. Of course it would feel this way. The moment would pass if I stayed with it. That’s showing up.
This morning I woke from an intense dream about my mom. I’m dealing with family stuff, and the dream helped me see that what I was upset about wasn’t the surface issue but unresolved childhood material. I woke up heavy and didn’t push it away. I wrote four or five pages of morning pages and processed it. It didn’t resolve anything externally, but it brought awareness to what was underneath.
Then I prepared for a client call I was excited about. At the same time, the internet kept dropping, and I knew I had to ask for a refund and leave this place. I let it all play out. Later I got an email from my landlord in Costa Rica trying to withhold part of my deposit. It was triggering. Standing up for myself like that used to overwhelm me because I communicate emotionally. In contractual situations, that can be used against you.
Using AI support has been incredible. I can share the facts, the contract, and my emotions, and get clear, direct language back. It helped me stay grounded and protected.
I also set boundaries with an Airbnb host who was sharing screenshots of our private conversations. By the time all of this was done, it was around 11 a.m., and I felt amazing. I had shown up for myself, used my voice, set boundaries, and protected my integrity.
The rest of the day flowed. I worked, posted on Facebook, shared my first playful Instagram video, and felt proud. This is the process I’m documenting: moving through the hard things instead of getting stuck in them. Everything belongs. When I show up like this, things shift.
Threads
Choosing Presence Over Brooding
Summary
I reflect on how I used to spiral into blame and self-pity when things felt dark. This time, I stayed present with the discomfort instead of feeding it.
Lesson / Teaching
Presence interrupts old patterns. When I stop steering toward blame and stay with what is, the emotional wave can move through instead of becoming my identity.
Tags
presence, emotional-processing, breaking-patterns
Letting Emotions Pass Through the Body
Summary
I describe sitting with depression and freeze without trying to fix it. I acknowledge how my mind tells stories that pain will last forever.
Lesson / Teaching
Emotions are temporary states, not truths. Allowing them to be felt without resistance creates movement and restores agency.
Tags
nervous-system-regulation, feeling-emotions, embodiment
Uncovering Unresolved Family Material
Summary
A dream about my mom reveals deeper, unresolved childhood material beneath a surface conflict. Writing helps me process and name what was hidden.
Lesson / Teaching
Awareness is not resolution, but it is liberation. Bringing submerged material into consciousness reduces its unconscious weight.
Tags
family-dynamics, childhood-trauma, awareness
Using Voice and Boundaries for Self-Protection
Summary
I navigate landlords, contracts, refunds, and boundary violations while staying regulated. External support helps me communicate clearly without emotional escalation.
Lesson / Teaching
Clear boundaries protect emotional beings. Support tools allow me to stay in integrity while handling situations that are not my strength.
Tags
boundaries, self-advocacy, using-my-voice
Momentum After Showing Up
Summary
After a difficult morning, my energy shifts. I feel productive, confident, and willing to be visible through creative expression.
Lesson / Teaching
Confidence and flow follow self-trust. When I show up for myself first, creativity and action become accessible.
Tags
self-trust, creative-expression, momentum
Selected Quotes
“I didn’t finger point or blame anyone, I just accepted what was passing through.”
“My brain tells me this discomfort is going to last forever, but I didn’t feed that story.”
“I showed up for myself, used my voice, and set boundaries, and everything shifted.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being an emotional communicator, I just need support in certain contexts.”
“Everything belongs, the dark and the light.”