Check one, two. It is Wednesday, January 14th. This is going to be a hard check-in because I am embarrassed and I am stuck. I do not mind sharing embarrassing things. That is not the problem. This is part of the process. I am at my wit’s end and trying to understand why this is so hard.
I want out of the situation I am in. I am in a really bad place. Today I got really low, dangerously low. That is why I am documenting. It is mind-boggling how much things can change from one day to the next. Some days I bounce back within hours. Some days I lose capacity and get really low.
The number one thing that is chilling me right now is needing to feel safe. I need to feel safe in my body, and my body does not feel safe, ever. I came to Bali because I had to leave a job that was burning me out and using me. I left as a mess with a wrecked nervous system. I know what I need is to get somewhere I can rest and regulate so I can come back to myself and have capacity again.
I do not care what unfolds. I just want to align with what is meant for me and have the capacity to hold abundance. I know I cannot outwork abundance. My body has to feel safe. I cannot get back to safety because I have never had safety in my body. This is part of my path and why I am fighting so hard for it.
A huge portion of my life was spent dissociated, in survival mode and autopilot. I did not know how unsafe my body was because I was disconnected from it. Now I am in my body and my body is screaming at me all the time. I am hyper-vigilant and distressed constantly because I am highly sensitive and energetically aware. I pick up on people, environments, sound, things that are mine and not mine, all tangled together.
My body keeps saying this is not safe, shut down. I still have to survive and make money. I am smart and capable, but my body cannot keep up. It is frustrating to be in this in-between space where so much healing has happened, but my physical system cannot hold it yet. My awareness and intuition are strong. I see clearly. I know I have gifts meant for good, but my system is overloaded.
On days like today, when my mood dips due to hormones and autoimmune reactions, it all stacks. I just want support, quiet, calm, safety. I do not know how. I know I am not doing something wrong, even though it feels that way. I know this is part of the process, even if I do not understand it yet.
My only job is to find safety. My needs are extremely high right now. I cannot explain them to most people. My people would understand, but I am not connected to them. I have been alone for a long time without support. I need to be alone, but I also need support.
I am now in Lovina Beach, Bali. This is the fourth Airbnb in four days. My nervous system cannot handle packing, moving, travel, conflict, constant regulation. When I arrived, I realized the place is right on the road with open airflow, nowhere to block sound. Motorbikes, music, lawn mowers, dogs. Lawn mowers are especially unbearable. The vibration causes panic and meltdowns. Natural sounds do not bother me. Man-made vibration does. Even the fridge vibration affects me.
I knew I could not stay but did not have the capacity to leave again. I used brown noise to block the motorbikes and it worked. I felt relief. But running it constantly made my system more sensitive when it stopped. Turning it off to sleep meant I woke up in shock from motorbikes, which dysregulated me badly.
I contacted Airbnb support again and got approval for a refund. I lined up another place deep in nature. Then I panicked. I did not want to move again. I unpacked. I worked. I prioritized work because I am in survival mode. I know that pattern is wrong, but it feels necessary when I do not feel safe.
I reversed the decision and stayed. Now I know it was not right. All day it has been noise on every level. I feel trapped, which is one of my biggest triggers. I want to blame myself, but this is what a dysregulated nervous system does. It avoids uncertainty and chooses the path of least resistance.
Even in this state, I got a lot done. I have structure, routines, breathwork, meditation, meals, baths. I am doing everything, even while completely dysregulated. It blows my mind what I am capable of, and what I will be capable of when I feel safe.
I have to leave. I have to ask for the refund again and go to the place in nature. I need quiet. Before Bali I had medication and cannabis to help regulate. Now I am raw and doing this without those tools. I am proud of myself, but it is hard.
Sound triggers rage in me. Misophonia. Being trapped with vibration makes me want to scream. This morning I screamed in the garden to release the charge. That is my body trying to survive.
Tomorrow I will contact the host and Airbnb support and leave. Bali may not be the place for me long-term, but I am staying on the island until Vipassana, which will be silent. I cannot wait for silence. I want to live in silence. I know this is what I need. I did not realize how hard it would be to find.
There is a lesson here. I gained new tools. Brown noise helped. I will do sound healing and meditation now. Thank you for being with me.
Threads
Fighting for Nervous System Safety
Summary
I am in a constant search for safety in my body and cannot function without it. Every decision I make is filtered through whether my nervous system can handle it. When safety is missing, everything collapses.
Lesson / Teaching
Safety is not a preference, it is the foundation for capacity, clarity, and aligned action. Without it, even the most capable systems will fail.
Tags
nervous-system-safety, trauma-integration, survival-mode
Embodiment After Dissociation
Summary
I used to survive by dissociating from my body. Now I am embodied and aware, and the sensations are overwhelming. What once protected me is gone, and I am learning how to live in my body.
Lesson / Teaching
Coming back into the body can feel worse before it feels better, because awareness arrives before regulation.
Tags
embodiment, dissociation-to-embodiment, somatic-awareness
Sensory Overload and Sound Trauma
Summary
Man-made sound and vibration dysregulate me deeply and trigger panic and rage. Misophonia and vibration sensitivity make certain environments unbearable.
Lesson / Teaching
Sensory sensitivity is not weakness, it is a nervous system signal demanding environmental boundaries.
Tags
sensory-sensitivity, misophonia, vibration-trauma
Decision-Making Under Dysregulation
Summary
When I do not feel safe, I cannot make clear decisions. I choose what feels easiest in the moment, even when it is not right long-term.
Lesson / Teaching
A dysregulated nervous system prioritizes energy conservation over wisdom, which is why regulation must come before strategy.
Tags
decision-fatigue, nervous-system-regulation, self-compassion
Survival Mode vs Capacity
Summary
I push myself to work because I am afraid of not surviving financially. Even when I know rest is needed, survival mode takes over.
Lesson / Teaching
True capacity is not created through force, it emerges when the body feels safe enough to receive.
Tags
survival-mode, capacity-building, burnout-recovery
Choosing Silence as Medicine
Summary
I realize silence is not deprivation for me, it is nourishment. I am willing to do the hard thing to get to quiet.
Lesson / Teaching
For some systems, silence is medicine and access to it is a form of self-advocacy.
Tags
silence-as-medicine, self-advocacy, regulation-strategies
Selected Quotes
“I need to feel safe in my body, and my body does not feel safe, ever.”
“My body is screaming at me twenty-four seven.”
“I am smart and capable, but my body cannot keep up.”
“This is what a dysregulated nervous system does.”
“I just want quiet, calm, and safety.”
“I want to live in silence.”