Transcript
Friday, March 6th.
I’ve been in Bali for nine weeks now. I can’t even believe it. It’s been over two months, and the truth is these have been the most challenging nine weeks I’ve had in a long time. I didn’t expect that. That’s probably why I feel blindsided.
One of my favorite quotes from Randy, something we used to tell people when I was coaching, is: expectations are disappointment under construction. I love that quote because it feels so true. You build this whole world in your mind. You can see it, you can feel it, you assume that’s what it’s going to be, and then you’re really disappointed when it doesn’t turn out that way.
I came to Bali expecting that I’d find a place to stay quickly, maybe in a week, and get settled into routines. I’ve been to Bali many times before, including during COVID. But I didn’t realize until this visit that I’m not the same person I used to be.
Right now I’m in the most sensitive period of my life. Something has shifted. I think it has to do with healing. For most of my life I was dissociated. I lived on autopilot. I wasn’t really in my body or present. I numbed out and distracted myself.
About eight years ago I got sober and began doing trauma work and embodiment work. I started grounding, doing energy work, and coming into my body. At some point, it felt like I suddenly became aware of energy and sensation in a way I never had before. In reality, I think I just finally came back into my body.
Now I’m incredibly aware of my nervous system and how my body responds. For most of my life I believed something was wrong with me. I was told I was too much, too emotional, too loud, too deep, too complex. I saw examples everywhere that I was different from everyone else.
Now I understand that I’m wired differently. I have a different neurotype and nervous system. I’ve also experienced developmental trauma, so my brain responds differently. My system is full of defense mechanisms and conditioned beliefs that helped me survive.
At the same time, I believe I’m going through an awakening. I’m suddenly seeing the world differently. There’s a lot of awareness about how people behave and how inauthentic much of the world feels. It’s difficult because once you see it, you can’t unsee it.
My expectation was that I would arrive in Bali, settle into silence, go to Vipassana, regulate my system, and work on launching my coaching program. Instead, I’m under intense financial pressure with less than $2,000 in my bank account. For a neurodivergent brain, that constant ticking clock creates ongoing background stress.
Another challenge is that I’m very alone right now. I’ve always been independent and self-reliant due to relational trauma. I’ve also spent years shedding relationships that were unhealthy or misaligned. But the result is that I don’t currently have a strong support system.
That’s part of why I want to document my life and share my process out loud. I know there are people like me out there. I know my chosen community exists somewhere. The only way to find them is to put myself out there.
For years I’ve had the vision of documenting my life in real time. Speaking into a microphone, sharing the process, being honest about the journey, while maintaining appropriate boundaries. That vision feels more real than ever right now.
I also realized today that my brain wants structure. I want outlines and systems. But the moment I create rigid structure I start to feel suffocated because I’m a non-linear thinker. That’s why I built the Tags and Threads tool. It helps me capture ideas and organize them without forcing linear structure.
What I’m recognizing is that consistency and systems are the key. It took two months, but now I finally have a quiet space in Bali. Yet I still find myself constantly leaving the apartment. I keep finding reasons to go somewhere else.
Part of that is energy. I have so much energy moving through me that sitting still feels difficult. But another part is avoidance. I distract myself with errands, coffee, movement, and small tasks instead of focusing on my projects.
My brain tends to open thirty tabs and jump between them. If something isn’t directly in front of me, I forget about it. I start things but struggle to complete them.
I know what helps me is structure. A weekly block system where time is scheduled and protected. But I also resist structure because of past experiences with discipline that felt oppressive. There’s a rebellious part of me that resists being told what to do, even when I’m the one creating the structure.
So the real work right now is learning to sit with discomfort. Accepting that things won’t always be perfect or cozy.
My apartment isn’t ideal. It lacks furniture and comfortable spaces, and sometimes there are sewage smells from the sink. I keep finding excuses to leave. But the deeper truth is that nowhere will be perfect, and I’m on a budget.
This is part of my work right now: accepting imperfection and staying present instead of constantly seeking something outside of myself.
Another thing I need to acknowledge is that I’ve been experiencing deep lows recently. Much darker than I’ve felt in a long time.
Part of that is because I removed my old regulation tools. I used cannabis from the age of fifteen to regulate my nervous system. Coming to Bali helped me stop using it. But those tools did help stabilize my mood, and without them I’m experiencing emotional lows more intensely.
On top of that, I’m clearly entering perimenopause. I’m having night sweats and hormonal fluctuations, and that has amplified my sensitivity even further.
So there are many factors converging right now: trauma healing, nervous system sensitivity, perimenopause, financial pressure, and living in an environment that often feels misaligned with my values.
Being in Bali, I’m surrounded by tourists and people living very self-focused lifestyles. I see entitlement and narcissism everywhere, and it triggers me deeply. I get caught in anger and frustration about the state of the world.
But I also recognize that I don’t want to live in constant anger. I don’t want to become someone who just criticizes everyone around me.
Recently my mentor Randy suggested I consider medication. At first it surprised me, but it also made sense. I’m navigating a lot without the support systems or regulation tools I once relied on.
Hearing him say that allowed me to acknowledge something honestly: I’ve been depressed.
At the same time, I also want to recognize how much I am doing right. I meditate daily. I go to the gym. I use the sauna, cold plunge, and breathwork. I cook healthy meals and take care of my body.
I’ve come incredibly far.
The real opportunity right now is to shift my patterns. Instead of bouncing around constantly, I need to build a structured week. A block system that includes work, creative projects, social time, hobbies, and rest.
I have everything I need right here. I don’t need to keep running around looking for something outside myself.
So this is a commitment. I’m entering a sensitive integration phase. That means lowering stimulation, slowing down, and focusing on the long-term vision instead of chasing instant gratification.
This chapter may be uncomfortable, but it’s also an opportunity to build the systems and structure that will allow me to create the life and community I want.
Threads
Expectations vs Reality in Life Transitions
Summary: I came to Bali expecting that things would settle quickly and that I would easily step into routines and productivity. Instead, the first nine weeks have been far more difficult and destabilizing than I anticipated. I’m realizing that expectations can easily set us up for disappointment when reality unfolds differently.
Lesson / Teaching: Major life transitions rarely unfold according to our mental scripts. When expectations collapse, the real work becomes adapting to what is actually happening rather than clinging to what we imagined would happen.
Tags: expectations-vs-reality, life-transitions, adaptability
Awakening Amplifies Nervous System Sensitivity
Summary: After years of trauma healing and embodiment work, I feel more sensitive and aware than ever before. My nervous system reacts strongly to environments, people, and stimuli. What once felt manageable now feels overwhelming.
Lesson / Teaching: Healing and awakening can increase sensitivity before they increase stability. Greater awareness often means feeling things more intensely before learning how to regulate them.
Tags: awakening-process, nervous-system-awareness, embodiment
Neurodivergence and Lifelong Self-Inquiry
Summary: Much of my life has been spent trying to understand why I think and feel differently from others. Discovering my neurodivergence reframes many of the struggles I once believed were personal failures. My intense self-inquiry has become both a survival tool and a path toward understanding myself.
Lesson / Teaching: For many neurodivergent people, self-inquiry becomes a lifelong process of decoding how our minds and nervous systems function. What once felt like a flaw can become a source of insight and intelligence.
Tags: neurodivergence, self-inquiry, identity-reframing
Solitude, Independence, and the Need for Community
Summary: Due to relational trauma and long periods of independence, I’ve built a life where I rely almost entirely on myself. While that independence has helped me survive, I’m now recognizing the desire for deeper connection and chosen community.
Lesson / Teaching: Extreme independence can be a trauma adaptation. Healing sometimes requires learning how to invite connection back into our lives in ways that feel safe and aligned.
Tags: solitude-and-community, relational-trauma, chosen-family
Structure as Support for Nonlinear Minds
Summary: My brain craves structure but also resists it. As a nonlinear thinker, rigid systems can feel suffocating, yet without structure I bounce between ideas and struggle to complete projects.
Lesson / Teaching: For many creative or neurodivergent minds, the goal is not rigid discipline but flexible structure. Systems can provide containers that support creativity rather than restricting it.
Tags: discipline-and-structure, neurodivergent-workflows, productivity-systems
Removing Old Regulation Tools Reveals Hidden Lows
Summary: For most of my life I used cannabis as a nervous system regulator. Removing that tool has revealed emotional lows that I hadn’t experienced in years. At the same time, other factors like perimenopause and financial stress are amplifying these shifts.
Lesson / Teaching: When long-used coping mechanisms are removed, underlying emotional patterns may surface. This doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong, it may simply mean the nervous system is recalibrating.
Tags: nervous-system-regulation, substance-patterns, emotional-integration
Building Systems to Support Creative Vision
Summary: I’ve long had the vision of documenting my life and creative process in real time. The Tags and Threads system emerged as a tool to organize nonlinear thinking and transform raw voice notes into structured insight.
Lesson / Teaching: Creative visions often require supportive infrastructure. Systems can help translate complex internal ideas into tangible creative output.
Tags: creative-documentation, systems-thinking, knowledge-architecture
Quotes
“Expectations are disappointment under construction.”
“For most of my life I thought something was wrong with me because I was too much.”
“I finally came back into my body and now I can’t escape what I feel.”
“I know my people are out there somewhere. The only way to find them is to put my voice out into the world.”
“Healing made me more sensitive before it made me more stable.”