Hey, checking in. It’s Saturday, January 10th, and I need to process out loud. I’m not even sure I’ll share this because it’s going to be a thinking-out-loud, meandering voice note. This is how I make sense of things, especially when I’m working through challenges, which is where I am right now.
I had to leave the Airbnb I was in. If you’ve been listening, you know I have extreme sound sensitivities, especially amplified, man-made sounds like speakers, motors, lawn equipment. I feel sound in my body. The vibration sets off my trauma alarm and my body thinks I’m going to die. This is my amygdala reacting from developmental trauma. Living in this body is very challenging. My entire life revolves around managing this.
I left the last place because there was tree cutting and metal construction sounds. I’m extremely careful about where I stay because this affects my survival and my ability to function. When this happens, I’m completely dysregulated. I can’t work, I can’t settle, my body can’t feel safe because it knows the sound could happen at any moment.
I stayed there six days because I couldn’t find another place. Then I found a new one. The host guaranteed it would be quiet and private. He said one thousand percent guarantee. I arrive and it doesn’t look like the photos. Half the photos are actually of the neighboring restaurant. I asked specifically about neighbor noise and he said there was none.
Then there was the kitchen issue. I asked clearly if there was a fridge with a freezer because I have autoimmune issues and need to cook for myself. He kept saying they would cook for me. I asked again if there was a proper fridge. He said yes. I get here and it’s a bar fridge. He meant I could use the restaurant fridge. That’s not what I agreed to.
So now I have to leave again. I paid to get here, that money is wasted, and now I’m stuck on this side of Bali looking for another place last minute. I haven’t unpacked. I haven’t been able to work all day because I’ve been dysregulated for days. And I want to say this: I’ve been patient. I’ve used my tools. I’ve meditated. I’ve stayed regulated as best I can. I’m really proud of myself. But I am so close to losing it. There’s a point where I just snap because I can’t take it anymore.
I’ve been so clear. I’ve communicated carefully. I’ve tried so hard to be understanding. This life is so challenging. I just want people to be honest. I understand the rainy season, fewer tourists, financial pressure. I believe people lie to get bookings. But it’s unfair to put me through this.
I also want to name that the people here are incredibly kind. This is why I love Bali. The staff are sweet and helpful. But then they told me the gardener would be here every morning and afternoon. The room is all glass. There is zero privacy. I struggle deeply with being perceived. I need privacy. This is not what I agreed to.
The reason I’m recording now is that I just spent four hours on Airbnb again, trying to find a place from now until my silent retreat. I need to get clear on what I’m actually looking for.
I need silence or as close to it as possible. Animal sounds don’t bother me. Human voices don’t bother me. It’s amplified, mechanical, man-made sound that my body reacts to. Cicadas don’t bother me at all.
I also know that total isolation doesn’t serve me. I’ve lived extremely secluded before and it caused other problems. I need access to groceries so I can cook my own food. I need agency. Feeling trapped is another big trigger for me.
I want to be able to ride a motorbike to a market, maybe the ocean, a waterfall, a lake. The ocean regulates me deeply. I feel it immediately. But many places are too remote or unsafe to drive to.
For the next five weeks, I’m looking for a place that is quiet, has a proper kitchen, a bathtub, a desk, comfortable seating, sunlight, and access to groceries. I don’t care about a pool. I need a bath. I need warmth. Cold is unbearable for my system.
I also can’t live in cities anymore. I hear frequencies, power lines, electricity. It overwhelms me. I need to be in nature. I don’t feel like I have a home I can return to.
I know I’m highly sensitive for a reason. I don’t believe something is wrong with me. I believe I’m open, receiving too much energetic data, and I need silence to regulate. I’ve already seen how silence helps me heal.
Part of me wants to be near town so I can go to a cafe occasionally, but I don’t think that’s what I need right now. The hardest part is that silence barely exists anymore. People blast music everywhere. It feels disrespectful. People are unaware of how much they affect others.
I get caught in anger about this, about narcissism, about people only caring about themselves. I know this isn’t the space I want to live from. I’m angry and frustrated, and I know that energy doesn’t help me.
I trust I’ll find what I need. I trust this is teaching me to use my voice and stand up for my needs. I also know I don’t actually know anything, and my job is to get quiet and listen.
I’m going to meditate, journal, and shift my energy. I want to remember how lucky and privileged I am. This life is hard, but I’m deeply grateful. I’m going to focus on that now.
Threads
Living in a Sound-Sensitive Body
Summary
I describe how amplified, man-made sound triggers deep survival responses in my body. This sensitivity governs where I can live and how I function day to day. Managing sound exposure is essential for my safety and ability to work.
Lesson / Teaching
Not all nervous systems process sound as neutral input. For some of us, vibration registers as threat, and honoring that reality is a form of self-preservation, not fragility.
Tags
sound-sensitivity, trauma-response, neurodivergent-regulation
Misalignment and Broken Agreements
Summary
I recount repeated experiences of being misled about housing conditions. Despite clear communication, my needs were dismissed or reframed after arrival.
Lesson / Teaching
Clarity does not protect us if others are not honest. Self-advocacy sometimes means walking away repeatedly until conditions truly align.
Tags
self-advocacy, boundaries, housing-instability
The Search for Regulating Silence
Summary
I articulate what I’m actually looking for: silence without isolation, access without overwhelm. I name the practical conditions my body requires to heal.
Lesson / Teaching
Regulation lives in nuance. Healing environments are not extreme withdrawal or constant stimulation but carefully balanced support.
Tags
silence-and-stillness, nervous-system-regulation, environment-design
Anger, Grief, and Collective Noise
Summary
I express grief and anger about the lack of quiet in the world and people’s lack of awareness of shared space. This brings up deeper feelings about humanity and belonging.
Lesson / Teaching
Anger can be a signal of violated values. The work is to honor the signal without letting it harden into despair.
Tags
collective-dysregulation, grief-processing, values-conflict
Choosing Gratitude and Trust
Summary
I end by acknowledging my privilege and choosing to shift out of resentment. I reaffirm trust in my path and my ability to find what I need.
Lesson / Teaching
Regulation includes emotional choice. Gratitude is not denial but a tool for re-anchoring when everything feels unstable.
Tags
emotional-regulation, trust-process, self-compassion
Selected Quotes
“I feel sound in my body, and my body thinks I’m going to die.”
“I have been patient, I have used my tools, and I am really proud of myself.”
“I just want to live without being in survival mode all the time.”
“Silence is medicine for my nervous system.”
“This life is hard, and I am still so deeply grateful.”